Thousands of unemployed people and low-paid workers could be taken off welfare benefits thanks to the proposed launch of a major new bank run by the poor for the poor.
It is hoped the new financial institution could give lower-income households access to a slice of the multibillion-pound-a-year cash-creation jamboree known as quantitative easing (QE) through the sale of bonds.
And the bank will also provide a traditional range of financial services for its hard-up punters, including current accounts with debit cards, usury, daylight robbery, demands with menaces and a range of international drug cartel investment vehicles.
The bold initiative, expected to be announced by chancellor George Osborne over the coming months, is designed to side-step the UK’s pitifully inadequate welfare benefit provision by giving shedloads of dosh to millions of hardworking and non-working families.
Said a government source: “Since QE was introduced in the wake of the 2008 crash, we have handed unbelievable amounts of interest-free cash created out of nothing to super-rich traders to do with as they wish.
“This new bank will allow us to give the poor access to these undreamt-of riches, without them even having to get up off their fat arses. And it’ll simultaneously push the welfare state into oblivion. Result!”
But though the new bank’s creation is being led by the Coalition government, its success is dependant on its ability to engage with the abandoned communities across Britain’s desolate post-industrial wastelands.
So, mindful of the obvious sensitivities, government ministers have teamed up with a panel of Department of Work & Pensions specialists to agree the new bank’s name, branding strategy and market positioning. Though a final decision has yet to be made, sources say that the name Scumbank – George Osborne’s favoured option – is the frontrunner.
When asked whether the new bank will be treated any differently to its more established competitors, the government source said: “No. It’ll be subject to exactly the same non-existent regulatory framework as all the other banks. And while it may not have any actual reserves for a while, this hasn’t stopped any of the other banks behaving like there’s no tomorrow.”
Even without any media coverage, Scumbank already has a lot of support among its target communities. Explaining its rationale, accounts clerk and part-time Scumbank liaison officer Doris Tazer said: “It’ll be just like a traditional bank, only a lot better.
“We’ll do all the usual things, like charging the pants off customers for unauthorised overdrafts, as well as asset-stripping small businesses, financing arms deals in sub-Saharan Africa and all that stuff. But we will have our own brand values to differentiate us from the rest.
“For instance, trust is a big issue among our target audience. Unlike all the other banks, we’re totally committed to openness and transparency in everything we do. So, we’ll always check you’re in before we start robbing you blind.”
Meanwhile, supermarket shelf-stacker, father-of-seven and would-be shareholder Arthur Squid also welcomed the initiative.
He said: “There haven’t been any proper jobs around here for decades. But, once Scumbank’s up and running, I could reasonably expect a residual income of up to £27.7m a year for doing absolutely Jack Shit.
“That’s what I call a good return on investment.”