Thousands of Bulgarians have finally fulfilled their dream of visiting Newport Pagnell, thanks to their country’s recently-agreed membership of the EU.
Despite stormy conditions across the UK’s right-wing media, an estimated 80,000 Bulgarian pilgrims have left their idyllic existence beside the Danube to worship at Buckinghamshire’s ‘holy shrine’, which nestles majestically on the banks of the M1 motorway.
But government attempts to bolster its storm defences look in danger, with the Daily Mail’s long-range assessments suggesting a worsening political climate over the coming weeks, bringing heavy bands of clouded hostility to all parts of the country.
Gateway to the North
Throughout last year, a string of forecasters have warned that a tide of Bulgarians would turn England’s green and pleasant land into a home-refurbishment theme park of highly-skilled plumbers, electricians and carpenters.
One such new arrival is Viktor Pirescu, who began his pilgrimage just days after immigration restrictions were lifted on January 1. He spoke for many of his countrymen when he first took in the air and exclaimed: “Ah, Newport Pagnell! Gateway to the North.
“Lovely high street boutiques. Doctors offering highest standard of patient-centred healthcare. Refreshments for weary travellers at the Welcome Break services. It’s got everything we could want … and more.
“I’ve not seen any bearded ladies yet. But I’ll give it time.”
Political climate change
While most experts refused to be drawn on whether the floods are the result of anthropogenic political climate change, the Daily Mail and Daily Express have no doubts.
Said an Express executive: “There’s a 100% consensus here that the political climate scientists are right. They said the storm clouds were gathering years ago, and this flood certainly fits the pattern.
“The deniers will always claim it’s not happening, regardless of the evidence. They’ll always rubbish the science to ensure nothing is done, but we’re the ones who have to put up with Bulgarians pouring into our homes to unblock our drains.”
Meanwhile, an Immigration Environment Agency spokesman insisted that the flooding hasn’t been as bad as first feared, citing an unexpected plateau in the numbers of Bulgarians travelling to Britain.
What did surprise the agency, however, was that most of the Bulgarians who did come headed straight up the M1.
So what is it about Newport Pagnell that makes it such a lure?
“It’s that quintessentially English combination of historic market town and soulless dormitory estate,” answered Viktor.
“Particularly the estates. Their plumbing is shit.”