Why does chancellor George Osborne – originally christened Gideon – always look so wan and anaemic?
I know the pressure of power can make a man look a bit peaky, but I can’t remember a time when our chancellor ever looked remotely healthy. His complexion runs on a sliding scale between a bone-chilling, pasty white on the one hand and an unnaturally sickly pallor on the other.
His lack of genuine life force is made brutally clear when he’s in close proximity to David Cameron, who obviously gets about a bit.
David has a warm, even-tanned look on his face, most likely gained from holidaying in Europe, his trips to see the likes of Angela Merkel, and his visits to any one of the Med’s economic car-crash theme parks – such as Greece.
George, by contrast, looks more likely to have holidayed in Murmansk – that’s if he hasn’t simply idled away his nights in some Victorian graveyard in the hope that the spirit of economic inspiration might descend upon him. But, then, perhaps he doesn’t get out at all…
For my part, I like to think that his political advisors keep him out of direct sunlight for fear that he’ll start photosynthesising. Because, if that ever happened, the sheer volume of chlorophyll that would course through his veins would completely blow his cover as a fully-functioning human being – one that not only possesses an ability to empathise and a meaningful sense of social justice, but one that even has an aptitude for figurework.
Such an occurrence would likely change our desire to protect natural habitats. All those delicately-coloured wild flowers, as well as the countless types of trees and grasses, might look jolly and appealing at first glance, but we’d all know that deep down they were just a collection of avaricious, hyper-competitive, morally-bankrupt little monsters that would evict us from our homes if they ever got the chance.
In addition, having a government minister composed of biomass would, in all likelihood, cause a sensation in British politics. After all, how many chancellors of the exchequer can you name who were humanoid variants of plants? Not many, I bet.