Tories unveil Govegasmotron fisting device in national-unity drive

Govegasmotron
Oooh! Where could Michael be going today?

A Michael Gove-themed fisting device is being launched so that ordinary people can get as up themselves as the education secretary.

The Govegasmotron, which doubles as a children’s rattle, lights up with a stunning glitter-ball effect and plays digitised nursery rhymes, interspersed with extracts from Mr Gove’s speeches, during its use in penetrative sexual acts.

And ministers are hopeful the device will spread Mr Gove’s message of hope and light right across the nation by ensuring he can talk out of other people’s bottoms, as well as his own.

Govegasmotron developer Sir Hugh Bufton-Tufton said: “Opinion polls consistently show widespread disbelief at Michael’s views on the whole spectrum of topics; from the school curriculum and teaching practice to Britain’s military history. So we had to find a more effective way of getting his insights directly to the masses.

 

Eureka moment

“Then we discovered that the average Briton is 90% more likely to believe any old claptrap they’re told during periods of heightened sexual tension. That was our eureka moment! That’s when the Govegasmotron was born.

“Admittedly, it’s a little disconcerting at first to hear Michael’s voice emanating from your nether regions during sex, but it’s not wholly unpleasant. The vibration alone can stiffen one’s resolve.”

Sir Bufton-Tufton said results from the Govegasmotron’s rigorous testing programme have been “amazing”, adding that “Michael’s random and sporadic statements on discipline and patriotism really do turn people onto politics, particularly when delivered in the context of a loving but slightly sadistic sexual relationship.

“Deep down, the smack of firm government resonates with us all.”

 

Trials and fibrillations

Sources say the education secretary has been trialling the device himself ever since the first prototypes were released in May 2011 – and not only at home. He’s also tested it out in ‘real life’ situations, such as during parliamentary debates and on official engagements around the country.

So, though recent ramblings might suggest Mr Gove has completely lost it, supporters insist they are merely the natural reflection of his perpetual state of artificially-maintained, pre-orgasmic euphoria.

“Michael might have seemed a bit shrill and up-tight recently,” Sir Bufton-Tufton said. “But it’s hard enunciating your words while on the brink of a passionate physical eruption sparked by one’s own contemptuous remarks about food bank users.

“Michael simply wants everyone to feel his traditional British values as deeply as he does. It certainly does it for me. That and The Wheels on the Bus, obviously.”

The Govegasmotron is expected to go on general sale at the end of February, priced £29.95. Always remember to wash thoroughly after use.

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peterbatt

Peter a journalist with 30 years experience of freelance writing, UK national newspaper and magazine production roles, and business development. In 2007, he developed and launched a mainstream-style green consumer magazine in the UK, called GreenerLiving, as a means of promoting sustainable change ‘within the system’. GreenerLiving closed during the post-crash recession, but Peter went on to become managing editor of the international ethical business title, Ethical Performance. However, Peter felt that the CSR sector has not succeeded in changing corporate priorities anywhere near fast enough, and so I decided to leave the treadmill of corporate employment and debt accumulation to focus on my own projects. Now poorer but a billion million times happier, he writes on political, economic and social issues – usually seriously, but sometimes as satire. He's currently writing Psychopath Economics, a book about the logic of social and economic power, belief systems, and the rise and fall of societies. Peter is convinced that ordinary people must educate themselves and exercise their economic leverage if we are to avoid social and environmental destruction.

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