Britain is about to be hit by the most severe blizzard of winter weather alerts and rumours of snow ever seen, mediaologists have warned.
With temperatures hovering around 7°C, newsrooms across the country have been gripped by predictions that Britain is about to disappear under a giant, 10ft-deep snowdrift.
And many hardy Brits have responded to the dire warnings by stocking up on vegetable soup, turkey twizzlers and blue vodka, in a bid to see out the horrific blanket coverage of cheeky kids unexpectedly out sledging with their estranged parents.
City worker Norah Parks is just one commuter who opted to stay warm at home today with Judge Judy, Jeremy Kyle and a band of preposterous, over-sized Americans digging for treasure.
She said: “It’s bad enough getting caught in conversation about the soaking effects of fine drizzle. But faced with the real and present threat of a news apocalypse, I simply didn’t have the willpower to force my front door open.
“And even if I could get out, I wouldn’t risk travelling to work in these conditions. Much better to stay at home and get pissed.”
According to the Met Office, fears of an impending media storm have made the prospect of approaching gale force winds, heavy rains and snow an almost unbearable test of endurance.
A spokesman said: “In just three weeks, we’ve had 27 front-page newspaper headlines screaming about the risks of Home Counties residents becoming cryogenically trapped by glaciers surging down from the North.
“We predict further flurries of dire speculation over the coming days, with winter warning fatigue spreading to all parts of the country within a week,” he added.
Meanwhile, a north-east Kent council is fighting back against the media’s wintry onslaught with a scheme of imagination, daring and innovation.
The Great Wall of Jah
Thanet council is constructing a temporary £2.5m Caribbean wall of sound along the length of the Wantsum river, which separates the ‘Sunshine Isle’ from the rest of snow-traumatised Britain.
Dubbed the Great Wall of Jah, more than half a million Rastafarians will bash out a 24-hour-a-day stream of heart-warming ragga-soca, calypso and reggae tunes from a two-storey steel structure running the length of the Thanet boundary.
In an impressive logistical operation, the council will sustain the Rastafarians with a constant supply of rice and peas, jerky chicken and plantains. Due to a shortage of rum, however, the Rastafarians will have to make do with the local drink of choice: Jägerbombs.
Said Thanet council’s Arthur Nurgs: “We expect the Wall of Jah to repel all but the most virulent winter terror attacks.
“We’ve commissioned the Rastafarians to perform in rolling shifts every day until March 20, when we expect the risk of further media storms to have finally subsided.”
The scheme has put Thanet council in the unusual position of winning praise for its well thought out approach to Jah, in which – to everyone’s surprise – every single angle seems to have been covered.
Nurgs added: “One issue we had to consider right from the start was how local people might respond to the arrival of half a million Rastafarians.
“But then we decided that, as they’ll all be off their faces on ganja, they’ll barely even notice the Rastafarians are here.”