A randomly-selected group of unemployed people and low-paid workers are expected to receive a multi-billion pound lifeline thanks to next month’s launch of Scumbank, ‘a bank run by the poor for the poor’.
The new financial institution will give lower-income households a slice of the colossal cash jamboree known as quantitative easing (QE) that has so far turned some workaday banking billionaires into monstrous, Port-soaked gazillionaires.
But, in a novel twist, Scumbank will also encourage its new band of formerly cash-strapped customers to engage in serial acts of rapacious exploitation against one another through its specialist subsidiary, Scambank.
Talk to Scumbank and mortgage your wife
The bold initiative, to be announced by chancellor George Osborne next week, is designed to supersede the UK’s pitifully inadequate welfare provision by instead giving obscene amounts of money to a small group of unprincipled criminals within the ‘poor community’.
Once launched next month, Scumbank will market its products using “veiled threats that even the most financially-illiterate can understand”, among them traditional banking offerings such as its Rapier Current Account, predatory debt-traps and high-interest, high-fee credit cards.
In addition, its ‘back-street’ subsidiary, Scambank, will blag a range of blunt financial instruments such as get-rich-quick schemes, daylight robbery facilities, business extortion solutions and demands with menaces.
A government source said: “We’re super excited about sharing the state-funded financial services boom that only a small group of gout-infested toffs and traders enjoy.
“Since QE was introduced after the 2008 crash, we’ve handed unconscionable amounts of money created out of nothing to the super-rich to do with as they wish. But we’re bored of that now, so we’re looking to create a new class of unpredictable financial bandits.
“We expect Scumbank to grow the ranks of financial parasites while, in the process, using Scambank to pulverise the underserving poor and destroy what’s left of the welfare state.”
Absolutely no regulation whatsoever
According to government sources, Scumbank’s success is dependant on its ability to engage with the abandoned communities across Britain’s desolate, post-industrial wastelands.
And so, mindful of the obvious cultural sensitivities, government ministers teamed up with a panel of Department of Work & Pensions advisors to put together the new bank’s name, brand and market positioning. Sources confirm that Scumbank was George Osborne’s favoured brand option.
When asked whether Scumbank will be treated any differently to its more established competitors, the government source said: “No. It’ll be subject to exactly the same non-existent regulatory framework as all the other banks.
“And it also won’t have any actual reserves to draw on, but we know from experience that this will be no obstacle to Scumbank growing and financialising Britain’s sub-prime debt market.”
A lot better, thanks
Even without any serious media coverage, Scumbank has already created a following across its target communities. Explaining the bank’s rationale, accounts clerk and part-time Scumbank liaison officer Doris Tazer said: “It’ll be just like a traditional bank, only a lot better.
“We’ll do all the usual things that you’d expect of a bank, like charging the pants off customers for unauthorised overdrafts, asset-stripping small businesses, financing arms deals in sub-Saharan Africa and all that profiteering stuff.
“But, to be sure, we’ll definitely have our own distinctive brand values to differentiate us from the rest. For instance, trust is a big issue among our target audience. Unlike all the other banks, we’re totally committed to openness and transparency in everything we do.
“We’ll always check you’re in before we send the boys round.”
Meanwhile, supermarket shelf-stacker and would-be Forex-whizz Arthur Squid is very excited about this latest money-making venture.
“There haven’t been any proper jobs around here for decades,” he said. “But once Scumbank’s up and running, I’m expecting a residual income of around £30m a year for just three computer keystrokes a week.
“Now that’s what I consider an investment opportunity.”